


Miles (To Go)

by mm8



Series: MMoM [34]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Masturbation, Post Reichenbach, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-11
Updated: 2013-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-29 00:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm8/pseuds/mm8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of The Fall, John has to move on the best he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miles (To Go)

**Author's Note:**

> This was heavily inspired by the song 'Set Fire to the Third Bar' by Snow Patrol (feat. Martha Wainwright).

His next session with Ella is like the last. She wants him to open up about what happened that day. Say the details. To say his name. But he can't. Christ, he can't say—

He almost cries. Almost. John felt some moisture at the corners of his eyes but he brushes it off and blames it on dust or allergies.

It's quiet here in the room with Ella. There's a void in his mind and it helps. The void is only in here; that's probably why he's come back. In the void he doesn't have to remember. It doesn't have to hurt.

* * *

John watches telly for the first time without his commentary.

Doctor Who without his remarks about how the Vortex, Time Lords and River Song's time line are all ridiculous, illogical and boring. 

He stops watching TV. It's not the same.

He cancels his subscription to newspapers and tries his best to avoid newsstands when he goes out to get the necessities.

John updates his [blog](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/16ajune) one last time and disables comments. He doesn't have to hear what everyone says or thinks and he doesn't care.

John knows the truth. He might be the only one who knows the whole truth anymore.

* * *

Others will probably think he's crazy if they see him like this. He supposes he's lucky that the grave is secluded and under a tree. 

He can be alone. 

John comes here weekly. Lies next to the headstone, on top of where they've buried him. He doesn't talk. He said enough that day of the funeral. It's just enough to lie here and be with him. Here he can feel somewhat whole, not completely broken.

John doesn't tell anyone of his visits. He assumes Mycroft knows and makes up excuses for Mrs. Hudson. 

But really, it's none of their business.

* * *

He's walking around in a stupor, only dressed in a robe. It reminds him of the old days when there were no cases. John slumps on the sofa eventually, boredom consumes him. He curls up and lets sleep take over.

John dreams of _his_ pale skin. The way he furrows his brow when he's confused (only momentary). The length of his stride and his long legs. His deep voice. His lips. That time they almost…

He wakes up with an erection and quickly guides his hand to stroke it. When he comes, he calls _his_ name and sobs uncontrollably.

* * *

When Greg comes to call at 221B the D.I. is not at all surprised to find John in a terrible state. He's been in a drinking binge for several days. He's sure he stinks and he's worn the same clothes for… well he's not sure.

Greg makes them both a cuppa (ignoring the request that John made for whiskey in his own tea) and they sit down on the sofa together in silence for more than an hour.

After Greg is finished and stands to leave, he embraces John and whispers his in ear: "I'm sorry. I miss him too."

* * *

Slowly, John picks up the pieces of his life. 

He talks a little more in his sessions with Ella each week. He learns to forgive Mycroft and the others to a degree. John starts to go out more, weekly lunches with Mycroft and pub chats with Greg. He starts to date but finds that it hurts too much. 

Sometimes John thinks he sees _him_. Once in the grove of trees at the cemetery near his grave. Another time while he was touring the London Zoo near the otters. 

Life begins to take shape and form some sort of normality.

* * *

When the strange VHS collector who's been following him all day turns up at his flat, he's livid. 

"That's it! I'm calling 999!" John threatens as he looks for Greg's mobile number in his contacts list.

"John," the man says in deep baritone. "It's _me_."

He drops his phone as the man takes off his crooked nose, beauty mark, and handlebar mustache. One by one, other items are removed to reveal the true identity of Sherlock Holmes…

For once in his life, he doesn't think. John doesn't care that three years have passed and he should be outraged. He's just glad to have him back.

John runs to Sherlock, embraces the taller man and kisses his lips in fervor. Sherlock returns the kiss, cradles John's face in his hands. 

"I love you," Sherlock whispers against John's mouth.

"I love you too."

It's something they should have said years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> * Kudos are amazing and I will never stop asking for them, but getting comments, actual feedback from readers means so much. Taking five seconds out of your time can really make my day.
>   
> 
> * You can follow me on [tumblr](http://mm8fic.tumblr.com/).
>   
> 


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